Further to yesterday's post about becoming a stripper: obviously I didn't fllow that path. It has nothing to do with moral sensibility and everything to do with not being able to dance... well, and the fact that I loath my private bits. Maybe if I ever go through with an operation I will do an amature night somewhere just to fullful that childhood dream of standing glorious, proud, and naked in front of a bunch of people. HAHAHAHA!!! Hot damn I make myself laugh sometimes!
I think I have a new sex therapist. She's local and is GLBTQ affirmative. She's going to let me know as soon as she has an opening for an appointment. I'm relieved but nervous because it's excecptionally difficult to talk about this stuff to a live human being.
She pointed out to me that Sex Changes are covered again in Ontario after 10 years of not being covered. Wow, I had no idea. I suppose that should make me jump for joy but that goal just seems so far away and unreal at the moment to mean a whole lot to me. But truly... wow... wow :-)
Gender Impressions Diary
Here's a funny memory: I recall telling my best friend that I wanted to be a stripper when I was around eight years old! I was thinking female stripper. I knew that strippers danced, and I knew that they removed their clothing while dancing. My European parents were open about that sort of thing! Ha! But... the point of this little story is that I have memories of early life wanting to be able to show people my beautiful, naked female form. I have no idea where I came upon those notions. Maybe it was that my best friends brother supplied us with a constant stream of PlayboyTM magazine. We hid them in my dad's shed. He was almost never home.
These are not my only early memories, they are the only ones I wish to discuss today. I was just thinking about this stripper thing today too... funny.
Gender Impressions Diary
At four years of age I can recall, vividly, gallivanting around the basement wearing a pair of blue coloured woolen tights my mom had put out for my sister. I can remember that I wanted to be just like my sister at that early age. It wasn't the clothing I liked, it was simply that the female role was already starting to seem right. I liked the things my sister liked, or the things that were meant for her. I liked the things my female schoolmates and playmates had and did as well. As for my feelings towards my sister, it certainly wasn't an envy thing at all. I just think it's interesting that I knew already at age four that I fit better in the female role than I did in the one that was being constructed around me.
Fantasies
I remember constructing elaborate fantasies where I would take on the lives of the girls that I went to school with. I would go to sleep at night dreaming about being someone else's little girl. I wanted so badly to fit where my mind wanted to be.
Tights and Fantasies... LOL!
- Gender Impressions Diary
I'm turning off comments on my entries because I want to make them public. Public entries where this subject matter is concerned tends to attract inappropriate and ignorant attention. If anyone should wish to discuss trans gender issues with me, or a group of people, in a forum there are various online private chat rooms or forums where that sort of activity can be arranged. Also, feel free to send a message through Vox or my email genderimpressions@gmail.com
As I go along here I hope that my decision to turn off comments will not affect interest in what I have to say.
- Gender Impressions Diary
I lay in bed earlier this evening thinking about the last two years of my life and how much has changed, physically, mentally and metaphorically. My life twisted, jerked, bounced then coughed, sputtered, and then powered up steam and in the exact opposite fashion of a train-wreck, it jumped back onto the rails. It's hard to understand how frustrating driving a train off track can be when you've never driven it *on* the track... yeah, that's pretty much the perfect way to sum it all up.
Two years ago, September 2006, I turned thirty-three years of age. I was in a very loving relationship with a wonderful female. For some reason, things were not right. She knew it also. She thought it was that I had lost interest in her sexually. I knew it was because I could not fulfill my role in the relationship as a male. Everything about being male felt wrong to me. I remember distinctly thinking, "I should be the girl in this relationship". It's both humourous and ironic that she often quipped that she was the "guy" in our relationship. To seriously consider the truth that lay in those thoughts and statements brought on a flood of memories and events in the past that made many things make sense. It has been an experience and I think I am mentally ready to write about many of those things in the past and present. Perhaps I may speculate on the future also. the future is foggy at the moment and hopefully this blog will help clarify what is to come.
Anyways, for the last two years I have spent much time researching, soul searching, revisiting the past and experimenting with taking the female role. I like it, it feels right, it works, and I am completely happy when I am perceived as a female.
I think I'll head back to bed now. My bed is laden with pillows and blankets and stuffed toys that I love. My cat spends time there too. And all I can think of right now is getting back there to relish thoughts of knowing who and what I am finally.
More to come... Gender Impressions Diary...
